Monthly Archives

April 2019

Dealing with break-ups

By | Disability, Sex & disability, The Love Lounge, Undressing Disability

This subject is never a nice one, but something that most of us have to go through at least once in our lives.  Breaking up might be the right thing for you and your partner, especially in the long term, but that doesn’t make the ending hurt any less, or make it seem anymore unfair or unjust at the time.  We’re sorry if you’re having a tough time at the moment, but hopefully this post will help you to see the light at the end of the break up tunnel.  Here are our top tips, from experience!

Tip 1: Allow the Grieving Process to happen

There’s a huge pressure, especially in this swiping day and age where you can get laid on your lunch break, to get over a break up by quickly getting under someone else. Whilst this method totally works for some people, it definitely doesn’t make the break up hurt any less, or the nights alone feel any less lonely.  And, you know what? That feeling of loneliness is more than okay, let it happen! Breaking up with someone is a grieving process and, quite often, if you try to stop that process from happening, it can take you so much longer to move on in the long term.

Tip 2: Move at your own pace

How often have you stalked your ex after a break up, checking to see if they’re with someone else yet? Yeah, us too.  It’s normal! But don’t forget to move at your own pace and only do what feels right to you. Your ex and their behaviour is not your concern anymore, so focus all that energy on yourself.  Treat yourself to a spa day, do all of the things that your ex wasn’t keen on, and try to have an exciting (or dare we say it, flirty) conversation with someone new every day.  Learning that other people still find you attractive and interesting is a big factor in moving on, especially if you’ve been with your ex for a long time.

Tip 3:  Look after yourself

When we feel down, it can be all too easy to slip into a slumber of not caring for our minds and bodies. We all have a habit when we feel sad, whether it’s sitting in our pjs and not showering for a couple of days, eating ten times more of our favourite food than we should do, or crying to our mum down the phone on a daily basis (or, let’s face it, all three!) Try your best to keep getting up and showing up, whatever you feel the world is throwing at you through your break up.  Use the time that you would have spent with your ex by starting up a new hobby, rekindling friendships that you might have neglected when you were in a relationship, or getting back to grips with all the amazingggg sex toys that are out there now. They call it self care for a reason 😉

So, whether you decide to get over by getting under, or practice self care rather than swiping, remember to take care through a break up and ensure that you’re happy with the person you’ve really got to be with for the rest of your life: yourself!

Undressing Disability in Academia: Sexual Politics in Diverse Communities at the University of Leeds

By | Disability, Sex & disability, The Love Lounge, Undressing Disability

As a user-led disability awareness charity, we at Enhance the UK are often asked to present our ideas and opinions surrounding access and inclusion at conferences all over the country.  Our ‘Undressing Disability’ campaign has also allowed us to discuss sexuality and identity on a broader scale, and we have recently been in conversation with academics, healthcare officials and educational institutions to discuss just how we can all ensure that everyone has the opportunity to express themselves sexually, and be educated on their sexual rights and responsibilities.

We were delighted when, in early April, Emily was fortunate enough to be invited to chair a discussion panel at the University of Leeds, as part of a one day symposium on‘Sexual Politics in Diverse Communities: Conversations about Theory, Methodology and Practice.’ Organised and run by Dr Julia Bahner and an event for the School of Sociology and Social Policy (SSP), the day was an opportunity for speakers, scholars and students alike to deliver presentations and discuss topics such as intimate and sexual citizenship, disability theory, sex work and gender and trans studies.

The symposium marked the end of a two-year Marie Sklodowska Curie Research Fellow Fellowship for Dr. Julia Bahner at SSP. Julia has experience working with disabled people’s organisations in Sweden and is a social worker as well as a respected scholar. For her project on ‘Sexual Citizenship and Disability: Implications for Theory, Practice and Policy’, she focused on sexual facilitation for disabled people, and her work plays a vital role in challenging how we consider, discuss and respect the sexual identity of disabled people today.

Very rarely do academics and those working in the third sector get the opportunity to come together to share work, ideas and opinions on how to take progressive thoughts forward into practical movements.  Throughout the day, there were discussions on what sexual and intimate citizenship mean for all, the different stances of numerous countries on sexual facilitation for disabled people, ensuring the safety and security of sex workers all over the country, and supporting the trans community through pregnancy and parenting.

In her own words, Julia organised this much-needed event because: ‘I wanted to bring together colleagues within a broader field of sexual politics, who share the will to not only put marginalized voices on the agenda and show that their concerns matter beyond the confines of that particular community, but who also work actively politically and/or with practice. I hoped that this would be a ‘safe space’ to discuss challenges and share experiences that we could learn from and support each other, as well as give an understanding to the audience of the need to move beyond separatism and see that we in fact share much common ground in our endeavours.’  When asked what advice she would give to policy makers, Julia replied: ‘To not shy away from talking about sexuality and sexual support – although they are private and sensitive issues, staying silent is not helpful, in fact the opposite. We can only learn and progress to develop better and more ethical and professional practices by discussing difficulties, fears and worries – and possibilities!’

We could not agree more! Thank you to Julia and the SSP team at the University of Leeds for a brilliant, challenging and inspiring day.

 

 

Learning to Trust – Love Lounge tips

By | Disability, Emily Yates, Sex & disability, The Love Lounge, Undressing Disability

Love Lounge Top Tips – Learning to Trust

Learning to trust can be tough in any relationship, but if you’re disabled and have been hurt before, or are unsure about how a new partner will take to you, your impairment and any additional requirements or care needs you may have, it can be even trickier.  For some top tips on trust that we hope will help you to welcome loved ones with open arms once more, read on.

Tip 1: Don’t tarnish everyone with the same brush.

Whether you’ve had an unfaithful partner, have struggled with open communication in the past, or are even having a hard time removing previous nasty comments about you and your impairment from your mind, please remember not to expect that same negative behaviour from everyone else.  You don’t deserve it, and some people really do know how to treat others right.  We promise.  Learning to trust again is not easy, but reassuring yourself regularly that not everyone behaves badly is a good first step.

Tip 2: Be honest about your past.

We can often make the dangerous mistake of expecting our lovers to be mind readers when it comes to our past relationships and hurt feelings.  Unfortunately, they aren’t (but how great it would be if they were!) If you are finding it tough to trust, and are getting anxious when your partner goes out, or are finding yourself itching to check their phone, please do sit them down and explain how you’re feeling and what you’ve experienced previously. Any loving significant other with nothing to hide will do all they can to put your mind at ease.  But, its then up to you to do your part and give them the benefit of the doubt until they give you a reason not to trust them, which will hopefully be never.

Tip 3:  Check in with each other regularly.

Trust, especially in relationships, can be very much like grief.  Over time, it gets easier, but certain things happen when you least expect them to that can trigger those difficult feelings all over again.  When we get those triggers out of nowhere, it can be so easy to shrink up within ourselves emotionally. We don’t want to call our partners out unnecessarily, or give them any reason to think that we are being unreasonable.  Next time this happens, take the step to resist the need to hide and bottle up feelings, and let your lover know how you’re feeling.  The more we talk about these things, the more normalised and easy to work through they become.  And relationships with openness, honesty, and care, no matter how difficult and testing they will be, have the best chance of survival.

Wishing you the very best of luck on your trusting journey.  You deserve happiness that is simple, care-free and long lasting.

Myth Busters – disabled people don’t, won’t and can’t have sex

By | Disability, Emily Yates, Lifestyle, Sex & disability, The Love Lounge, Undressing Disability

Disabled people don’t, won’t and can’t have sex

How often do you see disabled people ‘getting it on’ on tv, in films or even in porn? No, we don’t see it often either.  Society seems to think that disabled people don’t, won’t and can’t have sex, and that’s a myth that we are here to dispel.  Want to join us, whilst raising a bit of awareness and education along the way? Keep reading!

Myth 1: Penetration

Sadly, we appear to have the (very incorrect) opinion as a society that sex isn’t ‘real’ if it doesn’t involve penetration, and therefore disabled people that can’t have intercourse aren’t sexual people.  This is wrong on every level, and whilst penetration isn’t possible for everyone, it really isn’t all that sex is about.  The possibility to be sensual and sexual exists for absolutely everyone, and many people that struggle with penetration put other skills they might have to very good use…! Perhaps, if we changed our view of penetration, we would also be able to educate ourselves on the complexities and intricacies of pleasure, in all its forms.

Myth 2: A lack of desire

Another common myth when it comes to disability and sex is that disabled people don’t have the same sexual desires as non-disabled people – something else that is desperately untrue! Whilst it is correct that sex can be a little more difficult for some of us (and take a little more time, effort and planning, sadly meaning that one night stands aren’t always on the table for all of us) the desire to have sex and be considered sexy still exists for lots of disabled people.  So, the next time you see an attractive, single disabled person giving you smouldering eye contact, don’t talk yourself out of it by thinking they won’t be interested!

Myth 3: Attraction

This third and final myth is arguably the biggest one, and the toughest to dispel.  It is so unfortunate that disabled people are portrayed so negatively by the media in many ways, and we are almost told not to find disabled people attractive.  Many of our colleagues, friends and partners are disabled and, let us tell you, they are all smart, funny, sexy and drop dead gorgeous in their own ways.  Don’t ever allow the world we live in to prescribe what is attractive and what isn’t.  Sure, a night with a disabled lover may require a little more thought, but it will most certainly be memorable.

So, to set the record straight.  When it comes to disability and sex…

We do, we will, and we can!

Losing your virginity as a disabled person – Love Lounge Top Tips

By | Disability, Emily Yates, Sex & disability, The Love Lounge, Undressing Disability

If you’re reading this, the time may well have come to lose the big V (isn’t it a bit off-putting that we dramatise it so much in society?!) You might have discussed having sex for the first time with your new beau, or just decided that tonight might be your night! However you want it to go down, and whoever you’re about to have sex with, we hope that these hints and tips might give you some peace of mind, or even quiet confidence, when it comes to getting it on for the first time.

Tip 1: Losing your virginity can be a whirlwind of emotions…or not!

Nerves and anxiety, pain, pleasure, giddiness, sadness or… nothing at all.  Having sex for the first time (or even just the anticipation of it beforehand) can induce a series of emotions.  You might feel every single one that we’ve listed above, or you might think that the whole thing was a bit over-rated.  Whether you feel everything at once or nothing at all, that’s more than okay, as long as you feel comfortable with having sex all the way through (and, remember, if you don’t, you can ask your partner to stop at any time; consent can change!)  If, as a disabled person, you’re particularly worried about muscles seizing up, certain positions hurting or being difficult to get into, or what your partner might think of your catheter or the aids you use, feel free to stop proceedings and discuss your concerns with them – that’s so much better than bottling the fear up and wishing that you’d said something earlier when you’re half way through an awkward romp! Sex can be amazing, but first time sex shouldn’t be rushed.

Tip 2: Make sure you’re being treated right

This may sound obvious, but make sure that the person you’re going to have sex with for the first time is at least going to stick around for a cuddle afterwards.  Whilst you might not remember losing your virginity as a particularly earth-shattering experience (unless you’re really lucky!) you’ll never forget the person you lost it to, so make sure they are worth that memory and are going to treat you well throughout. For us disabled people, this can be even more important, especially if you might need help getting back into your wheelchair, or getting dressed afterwards, for example.  Whilst we don’t agree that you should need to be in love with the first person you sleep with, you should care enough about each other to ensure you’re both going to have fun, be able to communicate openly and honestly, and know that whatever happens between you two, stays between you two.

Tip 3:  If at first you don’t succeed…

However much you plan it or fantasise about it, sex doesn’t always happen exactly when we want it to, or the way we want it to.  It might be too painful for you or your partner, muscles might tense up and spasm from the stress of it all, or it might just turn into a hilarious fumble rather than a passionate shag.  Learn to laugh it off, and try again.  Foreplay can be just as good (if not better) than intercourse so as long as you’re enjoying yourselves and each other, what does it matter?

Be safe, have fun and don’t take any of it too seriously.

Penetration isn’t everything – Love Lounge Top Tips

By | Disability, Emily Yates, Sex & disability, The Love Lounge, Undressing Disability

For those of us who are disabled, penetration isn’t always possible, comfortable or even desired… but it also isn’t everything.  Whilst penetrative sex is seen as the be all and end all by mainstream society, we are here to tell you that there are ways to be sensual and sexual without it and, trust us, they can be just as pleasurable, too! If you worry about how to satisfy, or be satisfied, without conventional intercourse, please read on.

Tip 1: Conquer foreplay

Want to please without penetration? Learn how to conquer foreplay.  Let’s be honest, it’s how many of us get off best anyway! Learn how your partner responds to touching and oral sex, does their body tense or quiver at certain movements, and want can you do to make them ask for more? If you feel unsure of how to best navigate their body and pleasure points, ask them to feedback to you on what feels good and really gets them going; you’ll be a pro in no time!

Tip 2: Communication is sexy

Sometimes, it’s not what we do that gets our partners off, but what we say. If that’s the case for the person you’re getting under the covers with, make sure to vocalise during those intimate moments.  You might let them know what you love about their body, what about them turns you on, or how good you feel when you’re with them. So whether you’re giving specific details of what you’d like them to do to you, or describing at length what you’d like to do to them, communication really can be sexy, and penetration doesn’t have to be involved once!

Tip 3:  Fantasise to the finish line

Discussing fantasies (or thinking of them yourself during solo play or sex) can be another great way of pleasuring yourself, penetration-free. If they are fantasies that you are comfortable sharing with your partner, sexy conversations around them can also be a great way of getting to know each other and your likes and dislikes in a more intimate way.  Who knows, they might even be fantasies you decide to act on later, too!

Penetration will always be a big player in the sexual dictionary, but it really isn’t everything. We hope this article has given you a little more confidence, and even a few hints and tips to take back to the bedroom…

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