Sex & disability

It’s no secret that not everyone can master every single position in the Karma Sutra, but there’s no reason why us disabled people can’t create our own! Whether you’re looking for inclusive tips for the first time you’re getting down and dirty with a disabled partner, or you’re a disabled person looking to spice up your sex life in a more accessible way for you both – we’ve got you covered.  If you like the idea of adding another position or two to your repertoire, in the most stress and pain free ways possible, let us introduce you to our pick of accessible sex positions.  You can thank us later.

Tip 1: Accessible Oral

Oral sex sadly gets left out of far too many sexual experiences, but it’s really pretty easy to make accessible for all! Having a go at a 69 is a great place to start – there’s an opportunity to lie flat or go on top, depending on your strengths, and who doesn’t like receiving pleasure whilst they’re giving it?!  Wheelchair users can also give oral whilst staying seated (and receive it too!) If your partner is able to, just make sure that they’re positioned in a way that works for you.

Tip 2: Spooning and Cowgirls

Sex whilst spooning can be really great; you can use the bed or sofa to stabilise yourself, and don’t be afraid to try different entry angles before you start getting into it – 90 degree spoon sex (whilst not technically involving any spooning anymore) feels amazing! For those of you who are desperate to be cowgirls, but can’t quite straddle far enough with tight leg muscles, have you tried the crouching reverse cowgirl position? It’s like the reverse cowgirl, but you can put your legs under your partner’s, rather than having to straddle them.  Leaning forward so your head is in line with your partner’s feet, you can then ease yourself back onto them, strain and pressure free! And if you struggle to muster up the strength to ‘bounce’ up and down, and your partner to help by grabbing a hold of your hips.  Try it, it’s a real game-changer.

Tip 3:  Using the Resources around you

We’ve mentioned this before in previous Love Lounge articles, but don’t forget to keep up to date with the inclusive sex toys that are on the market – they can make a sex position you’ve been doing for years all the more exciting – how about trying doggy with a bullet on your clit, or missionary with a butt plug in? Great sex doesn’t mean having to totally change up everything you know and love, it just means thinking about positions differently and maybe even stepping out of your comfort zone once in a while.

Here’s to satisfying and fulfilling sex for us all, regardless of ability or preference. Enjoy, and do please let us know if you have an inclusive position that works for you; it might just change someone else’s experience behind closed doors (or in front of them!)

It’s been a hot topic in the news recently: when does a partner become a carer, and is it okay for that boundary to be crossed? For those of us who are disabled, this issue can feel difficult to address, and even raw at times.  We want romantic and sexual relationships just like anyone else, but we’d also be fooling ourselves if we didn’t admit that we need a little extra help with the more practical side of things too, sometimes.  If this is a subject you’d like to bring up in your relationship, but you’re not quite sure how to, please do read on and we will do our best to advise.

Tip 1: Be practical

Before starting any conversation with an existing (or potential) significant other, it’s important to be honest with yourself and consider what assistance you require that might be classed as outside of the ‘relationship realm’ of duties.  Perhaps it’s help vacuuming the floors, tying your shoe laces, or getting dressed and eating in the morning.  Do these needs change depending on your changing impairment, and how confident do you feel asking for help when it’s required? All of these factors are ones that you need to be knowledgeable about before discussing them with a partner; it’s much easier for anyone to get on board with something that they can clearly understand.

Tip 2: Set boundaries

It’s important, when thinking about this lover/carer dynamic, to remember what qualities and support you can provide in a relationship.  You might be a magician when it comes to emotionally supporting or encouraging your partner, or you might be a total whizz with budgeting, bills and finances.  Make sure to set boundaries with one another, though, so that you don’t each forget to lend a hand in other areas of your relationship when you can.  There’s nothing wrong with agreeing to openly ask for help when it’s required, and even explaining if too much assistance ever becomes a hinderance.  As long as those boundaries are there and understood by both parties, it will be difficult for either one of you to take advantage of the other (something that’s vital in any partnership, whether you’re disabled or not!)

Tip 3:  Check in

Conversations about a dynamic as fragile and as difficult to navigate as this aren’t ones that you have once every three years.  However difficult it may be, it’s so important that you both check in with each other on a regular basis.  Ask if your partner is happy with the responsibilities they have in your relationship, and if there’s anything they’d like to change.  If anything significant happens, such as a big change in your needs or a new job for your partner, for example, discuss your options as both lovers and carers.  Perhaps it might be time to hire someone to help with dressing and feeding duties in the morning, or maybe your partner can start work a little later to allow for you both to still have that time together.  Whatever works for you both is the right way to do things, but communication, as always, really is key.

On the Love Lounge, we regularly get asked questions regarding pain and positioning in the bedroom, and it’s not unusual for disabled people to write in and ask us how they can get in touch with their kinkier sides, whilst staying safe and keeping their pain levels in check.  So, if you’ve always wondered how you can explore the less ‘vanilla’ side of sex as a disabled person, keep reading!

Tip 1: Let’s talk Limits

First things first, what are you into, or turned on by, and what does absolutely the opposite? Like most things (including disability!) kink encompasses so many things, so before you start discussing it, know what you’re keen on, what you’re willing to try, and what’s a hard ‘no’.  It might be worth thinking about how you want the experience to make you feel, too. Many disabled people spend their time planning hospital visits, interviews and how to get from A to B, so might want kinky sex to provide an avenue of escape from being in control. For others, it’s about the importance of gaining ownership over their bodies, or exploring sex that doesn’t necessarily have to include penetration to be really, really hot.  Once you know whether you want to take control or let go, and what particular things you’re into, then you can start venturing into this big, wide world of kink.

Tip 2: Types of Pain

For those of you among us who manage pain on a regular basis, the thought of being tied up with rope, or spanked with a paddle may not sound like escapism at all! Well, you’d be surprised.  Many disabled people who manage pain and/or fatigue have mentioned that certain elements of BDSM allow them to have a focus that actually alleviates their everyday issues. From relieving pressure on joints to feeling nice on other areas of the body that don’t usually have their attention, pain really can turn into pleasure for some disabled people.  Our advice? Go slow with someone you trust, and always feel comfortable enough to stop the situation if it is no longer serving you at all.

Tip 3:  It’s all about Trust

Usually, we absolutely don’t buy into this ‘only have sex with someone you love and/or trust’ myth, but trust and respect is especially important if you’re wanting to try out less ‘vanilla’ sex.  If you’re going to be pushing your physical, emotional and mental boundaries with anything from pain and positioning to mind games and escapism, please make sure you do so with someone who you know will respect your limits, stop when asked and who will keep your fantasies and desires close to their heart, wanting to please you rather than let everyone else know what you’re into.  There is no harm in exploring to find out what you like and what you don’t, and doing that with someone you know you can have a giggle with along the way can be a really beautiful experience.

Good luck on your kinky journey – enjoy!

This subject is never a nice one, but something that most of us have to go through at least once in our lives.  Breaking up might be the right thing for you and your partner, especially in the long term, but that doesn’t make the ending hurt any less, or make it seem anymore unfair or unjust at the time.  We’re sorry if you’re having a tough time at the moment, but hopefully this post will help you to see the light at the end of the break up tunnel.  Here are our top tips, from experience!

Tip 1: Allow the Grieving Process to happen

There’s a huge pressure, especially in this swiping day and age where you can get laid on your lunch break, to get over a break up by quickly getting under someone else. Whilst this method totally works for some people, it definitely doesn’t make the break up hurt any less, or the nights alone feel any less lonely.  And, you know what? That feeling of loneliness is more than okay, let it happen! Breaking up with someone is a grieving process and, quite often, if you try to stop that process from happening, it can take you so much longer to move on in the long term.

Tip 2: Move at your own pace

How often have you stalked your ex after a break up, checking to see if they’re with someone else yet? Yeah, us too.  It’s normal! But don’t forget to move at your own pace and only do what feels right to you. Your ex and their behaviour is not your concern anymore, so focus all that energy on yourself.  Treat yourself to a spa day, do all of the things that your ex wasn’t keen on, and try to have an exciting (or dare we say it, flirty) conversation with someone new every day.  Learning that other people still find you attractive and interesting is a big factor in moving on, especially if you’ve been with your ex for a long time.

Tip 3:  Look after yourself

When we feel down, it can be all too easy to slip into a slumber of not caring for our minds and bodies. We all have a habit when we feel sad, whether it’s sitting in our pjs and not showering for a couple of days, eating ten times more of our favourite food than we should do, or crying to our mum down the phone on a daily basis (or, let’s face it, all three!) Try your best to keep getting up and showing up, whatever you feel the world is throwing at you through your break up.  Use the time that you would have spent with your ex by starting up a new hobby, rekindling friendships that you might have neglected when you were in a relationship, or getting back to grips with all the amazingggg sex toys that are out there now. They call it self care for a reason 😉

So, whether you decide to get over by getting under, or practice self care rather than swiping, remember to take care through a break up and ensure that you’re happy with the person you’ve really got to be with for the rest of your life: yourself!

As a user-led disability awareness charity, we at Enhance the UK are often asked to present our ideas and opinions surrounding access and inclusion at conferences all over the country.  Our ‘Undressing Disability’ campaign has also allowed us to discuss sexuality and identity on a broader scale, and we have recently been in conversation with academics, healthcare officials and educational institutions to discuss just how we can all ensure that everyone has the opportunity to express themselves sexually, and be educated on their sexual rights and responsibilities.

We were delighted when, in early April, Emily was fortunate enough to be invited to chair a discussion panel at the University of Leeds, as part of a one day symposium on‘Sexual Politics in Diverse Communities: Conversations about Theory, Methodology and Practice.’ Organised and run by Dr Julia Bahner and an event for the School of Sociology and Social Policy (SSP), the day was an opportunity for speakers, scholars and students alike to deliver presentations and discuss topics such as intimate and sexual citizenship, disability theory, sex work and gender and trans studies.

The symposium marked the end of a two-year Marie Sklodowska Curie Research Fellow Fellowship for Dr. Julia Bahner at SSP. Julia has experience working with disabled people’s organisations in Sweden and is a social worker as well as a respected scholar. For her project on ‘Sexual Citizenship and Disability: Implications for Theory, Practice and Policy’, she focused on sexual facilitation for disabled people, and her work plays a vital role in challenging how we consider, discuss and respect the sexual identity of disabled people today.

Very rarely do academics and those working in the third sector get the opportunity to come together to share work, ideas and opinions on how to take progressive thoughts forward into practical movements.  Throughout the day, there were discussions on what sexual and intimate citizenship mean for all, the different stances of numerous countries on sexual facilitation for disabled people, ensuring the safety and security of sex workers all over the country, and supporting the trans community through pregnancy and parenting.

In her own words, Julia organised this much-needed event because: ‘I wanted to bring together colleagues within a broader field of sexual politics, who share the will to not only put marginalized voices on the agenda and show that their concerns matter beyond the confines of that particular community, but who also work actively politically and/or with practice. I hoped that this would be a ‘safe space’ to discuss challenges and share experiences that we could learn from and support each other, as well as give an understanding to the audience of the need to move beyond separatism and see that we in fact share much common ground in our endeavours.’  When asked what advice she would give to policy makers, Julia replied: ‘To not shy away from talking about sexuality and sexual support – although they are private and sensitive issues, staying silent is not helpful, in fact the opposite. We can only learn and progress to develop better and more ethical and professional practices by discussing difficulties, fears and worries – and possibilities!’

We could not agree more! Thank you to Julia and the SSP team at the University of Leeds for a brilliant, challenging and inspiring day.