Monthly Archives

July 2019

Love Lounge Top Tips – Relationship ebbs and flows

By | Disability, Emily Yates, Sex & disability, The Love Lounge, Undressing Disability

Relationships, like life in general, have a habit of being incredible one minute, and pretty mediocre the next.  Depending on your personality type, you might be able to see through this cycle and plod along, waiting for the next wonderful moment, or you might find that pretty impossible to do and find yourself getting bored or feeling hugely unattractive when things aren’t at their best between you and your partner. Here are our top tips on dealing with the ebbs and flows, glorious and grimy times, when it comes to relationships.

This too, shall pass.

Ah, the infamous phrase ‘nothing lasts forever.’  When it comes to your relationship and its natural cycles, that is most certainly true. Our hormones, friendships, satisfaction at work, sex drives and fashion sense all change every now and again, so why shouldn’t our relationships? The trick is knowing how to live in the moment and appreciate things when they are good, as well as having the strength to know that things will get better if they aren’t going so well.  This is much easier to do when you’ve been in a relationship for a little while as you have hindsight on your side and can recognise cycle changes and work with your partner to make them not seem quite so dramatic when time goes on.  

This doesn’t mean ‘settle’.

We are not remotely saying that awful behaviour in relationships is okay because that’s part of its natural cycle, and it will get batter if you just sit and wait it out. No. Accepting unreasonable behaviour or bullying of any kind isn’t what you should be doing, and it’s more than okay to stop a relationship in its tracks if it’s not working for you and you feel threatened, unsafe or put down by your partner.  There’s a huge difference between getting itchy feet and working towards better times for both of you, and waiting for a partner that doesn’t deserve you to change their ways (which is very unlikely to happen, by the way).

But do let evolution take its course

If you are new to your relationship, do learn to sit back a little bit and allow yourselves to learn from each other in terms of how you communicate, what your love languages are and how you both fit into your relationship when it comes to preferences and roles.  As with anything new, there can be teething problems at the start, but give yourselves the chance to see the sunny side of each other, too.

Good luck!

Love Lounge Tips – Having a disabled partner: An education

By | Disability, Emily Yates, Sex & disability, The Love Lounge, Undressing Disability

This morning I was chatting to my boyfriend, who is non-disabled, about the misconceptions that he had about disability, relationships and sex before starting a relationship with me.  He said (and this is in-line with what most delegates say in our general disability awareness training sessions) that becoming a hinderance rather than a help was a concern of his, alongside saying and doing things that might be construed as offensive or patronising.  He’s glad that his friends and family have never ‘grilled’ him over having a disabled partner and have always been very accepting (which, of course, they should be. Sadly though, many aren’t).  He had far more positive than negative things to say when considering what he’s learnt from having a disabled partner, so I thought I’d share some thoughts on how having a disabled partner can be a real education, and a good one!

Awkwardness and avoidance disappears

Before our relationship, my better half would avoid getting himself into any situation that would be deemed a little awkward (because he’s a nice guy and wouldn’t want to hurt any feelings!) Two years on, and he’s helped me get dressed on bad days, aided with personal care and toileting when needed, and we’ve discussed pretty much everything to do with disability and sex that you could imagine! It’s almost impossible to avoid those ‘real’ conversations and situations of vulnerability when you date a disabled person, and that’s no bad thing in our eyes.

It’s okay to want to help

In fact, it’s natural! The difference between being helpful and becoming a hinderance, in my opinion, is accepting when your disabled partner says no, or lets you know that they can manage independently.  No disabled person should expect a non-disabled partner to automatically understand every single aspect of their impairment and how it affects them, either, but once boundaries of support and offence have been identified, they shouldn’t need to be reaffirmed every week.  Listen to each other’s thoughts and limits and respect them.

Our community has gained another ally

The one thing I love the most about having a non-disabled partner is I feel that our disabled community has genuinely gained another ally.  Asking about accessibility is now second nature to my boyfriend, as is ensuring that it’s present in all the work he does.  As much as I’ve learnt from him and his experiences, it’s nice to know that he’s also learnt from me and mine. Society shies away from talking about disability and relationships, as those of us with impairments are sadly still seen as undesirable, but let’s spin that mindset on its head somewhat and appreciate the education that can come from intimacy with someone that doesn’t have your background, ability or belief system.

Love Lounge Top Tips – Inclusive Erotica

By | Emily Yates, Sex & disability, The Love Lounge, Undressing Disability

It’s no secret that disabled people aren’t represented nearly as much as they should be in the media,
education and employment, amongst many other areas. The same has often been said about the
sexual arena – how many wheelchair users do you see in mainstream porn or read about in steamy
stories? Very, very few. With thanks to several brilliant writers and activists, this is slowly changing,
with inclusive erotica for all to enjoy and be able to relate to now being available. So, if you’d like to
read a short sexy story or watch a film that includes disability and desire, carry on reading!

Tip 1: Writings to Warm you up at Night

We definitely need more disabled people to write erotica for both disabled and non-disabled
readers. Why? Well, because not only does it give disabled people something realistic and relatable
to get off to (as well as inspo for their own sexual relationships), it also helps non-disabled people to
see their disabled peers as desirable and sexual beings. Let’s be honest – many non-disabled people
view us as people that don’t, won’t and can’t have sex, and those who know this is absolutely untrue
can sometimes fetishise us against our will. Anything that makes disability and sex appear as normal
as it bloody well is is doing a great job! If you fancy reading some inclusive erotica by disabled
writers, have a look at Xan West, who’s recent publication ‘Nine of Swords, Reversed’ is described as
a dominant/submissive “romance novelette” with “autistic, disabled, chronic pain, PTSD and
depression representation.” Penelope Friday, a writer who sometimes uses a wheelchair due to ME,
is also worth a read. Her writings are often inspired by her own experiences, and in a recent
interview she did with Scope, she stated that “[I’m] treated like two different people depending on
whether I’m in my wheelchair or not.”

Tip 2: Disability, Visual Arts and Alternative Porn

If you’re wanting to watch something to get your juices flowing, there’s now several disabled
performers who are doing their utmost to ensure that inclusive porn and sex work gets the attention
and recognition it deserves. Just one example of these people for you to check out is performer
Daniel James, who has cerebral palsy, and told Queerty that “People develop this screwed up notion
in their mind that all individuals with disabilities are physically incapable of sex… Sex when you’re
disabled all comes down to the technique and thinking of ingenious ways to use the surroundings to
your advantage.”

These are just a few examples of the inclusive, sexy options that are out there to be enjoyed by both
disabled and non-disabled people. For more, continue reading this great article that taught us a lot,
too!

If you have any works that you’d like others to know about, please do get in touch with us! We’d be
happy to share them. Until then, enjoy these ��

Love Lounge Top Tips – Ideas for an accessible, romantic weekend away

By | Disability, Emily Yates, Sex & disability, The Love Lounge, Top tips, Undressing Disability

Dare I say it, we’ve been having some pretty lovely weather recently (as I type this, I’m waiting for
the clouds to come in and ruin my introduction). When it’s as bright and beautiful as this, many of
us fancy a little weekend staycation to a part of the UK that we love, or are perhaps unfamiliar with
and would like to explore. But, as with everything to do with travel, planning a romantic weekend
away for you and your beau may require a bit more thought. So, we are here to help!
Here are three of our favourite spots for an inclusive break in the UK.

Tip 1: Glasgow
Scotland’s biggest city is known for it’s history, inclement weather and has been crowned as the
friendliest city in the world. If you’re fancying Glasgow as a destination for a romantic break, don’t
forget that Loch Lomond is only a 30 minute drive away! Lodges with hot tubs (many of them
accessible) are scattered along the banks, and country pubs with delicious food and phenomenal
views are never far away. For an accessible stay in the city centre, have a look at the CitizenM hotel.
It is as accessible as it is funky! A day out at the gorgeous Kelvingrove Art Gallery and Museum is also
a must. If you’re feeling peckish, or even thirsty, after all of that, the Hillhead Bookclub is a real
winner on both accounts.

Tip 2: Liverpool
Most definitely continuing with the friendly theme, party and glamour loving Liverpool is an amazing
destination if you’re a fan of shopping, museums, live music, being by the sea…. It has a bit of
everything! For any Beatles fan, the Hard Days Night hotel is an obvious, brilliant and very accessible
choice. The nearby Cavern Club might not look particularly accessible on first glance, but there is a
(not so glamourous) service entrance around the back. Trust me, it’s worth it once you’re in! For
food, drinks and a great view of the dock, why not treat yourself to a meal at the very impressive
MATOU?

Tip 3: London
I couldn’t really write this and not mention the capital. Whilst plenty of London still isn’t accessible
via the underground, certain pockets of it really are. Transport-wise, all 22,000 buses are fully
accessible, as are all the licensed black cabs around the city. I would always recommend staying in
the East End. Firstly, because you’ve got shopping galore on your doorstep with Westfield Stratford
and Spitalfield Market, but secondly because you’ve also got the Docklands Light Railway (DLR)
which is also 100% step-free. If you’re looking for a fun stay that won’t break the bank, Moxy
Stratford is a good shout. And you HAVE to take advantage of the incredible curries available on
Brick Lane! There’s so much to do, I can’t even mention it all, but Shakespeare’s Globe, the British
Museum and a walk around the Olympic Park are some of my favourites. Enjoy!
Here are only three of the many brilliant destinations you could choose for an accessible staycation
in the UK. Whatever you choose to do this summer, have a glorious time!

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