Mum, I’m an adult! Sex and Disability

Mum, I'm an adult! - a young man stands outside a block of high rise flats. He is wearing a striped tshirt and navy jacket. His arm is across his face in frustration

Mum I’m and adult!

The Question

Dear Love Lounge,
My Mum has very strong views and believes that sex is something that can only happen within marriage. I’m 25 and think about sex a lot. Like 99% of the time. I can’t access porn as Mum has blocked those channels on our internet. I can’t have my girlfriend stay over because of her house rules, and I can’t afford to move out. Mum disapproves of me staying at my girlfriends house, her parents are cool with it as long as I’m not there all the time. Fair enough, it’s not a big house.
I had an accident when I was 12 which meant for a few years I relied heavily on both my parents whilst I got my health and mobility back.  The cause of the majority of our shouting matches is down to Mum treating me like a child. I still have some issues with movement on my right side but it doesn’t stop me having a love life, a job or living my life. When I say ‘Mum, I’m an adult!’ she says she ‘only wants whats best for me’ but I feel suffocated, and a mixture of frustration and guilt. My parents separated last year and don’t get along so my father prefers to stay out of it.  Can you help? It’s really getting me down.

Our Answer

Hi there, and thanks so much for writing in to us at the Love Lounge.
This is a really tough situation to be in, and a question we get asked a lot.
The key? Communication, communication, communication.
Whilst it’s so tempting to shout ‘Mum, I’m an adult!’, it sounds like you’re going to have to sit her down and explain how you feel a little.  Ask her if she’d feel the same if you hadn’t had your accident and weren’t disabled.

Is she worried that you’re vulnerable or could hurt yourself in any way?

If this is the case and she is treating you like a child through worry – calmly explain all the differences between when you were 12 and now. She might just need to see and understand from your point of view just how much you’ve changed and become a man.

Come to a compromise

Say that you are old enough to live your life, but you will respect her wishes whilst you are in her house. But this will mean that she will also need to compromise and relax when you stay over at your girlfriend’s place. And perhaps even support you to spend non-sexual time with your girlfriend – taking her on dates or having a baking afternoon in your mum’s kitchen, for example.
It might be that once your mum gets to know your girlfriend a little more instead of panicking about what you’re both doing behind closed doors, she’ll relax her rules a little. It might also be time to have an honest chat with your dad and ask for his support. Maybe you and your girlfriend could spend a bit of time at his place?
We really hope this helps – and good luck with starting a moving home piggy bank! 🙂
Em x
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